Desperate for God...

Sweet moment after a hard night with a fever

Wow!

Its been since February since I've written.  So, for those who have given up on me, I understand.  Let's just say, I've been in quite a funk lately to say the least.  I feel like I've just been spinning my wheels and getting absolutely nowhere.  Do you ever feel like that, Beloved?  God has provided the perfect circumstances in the last couple of months to just flat out make me desperate for Him.  This is always a good and a very profitable thing but wheww, its hard and sometimes exhausting.  It almost feels like you aren't going to make it out alive, (or at least that's what I think in my extremely dramatic moments, I have those too often by the way :) I haven't had any earth shattering or horrible circumstances like you would think based on the way I've been acting lately.  I've just had normal everyday stuff that I haven't ran to Jesus with, therefore, it has turned into one huge mess.  Please tell me I'm not the only one out there that does that?!  I know I'm not, I just want to be reminded ;) 

First of all, Lily has just been sick a lot.  Which is so normal for a baby to be sick all the time but its literally been nearly every week with a new kind of sickness.  This means a lot of indoor time and very little communication with the outside world; which often results in one very tired, lonely, and discouraged momma.  Of course, it doesn't have to be that way, its just been that way because instead of making the Lord God my refuge, I turned to other things and chose to tune out the tender voice of the Holy Spirit and gratify my flesh and just flat out feel sorry for myself.  This was a very bad decision by the way, just in case you were wondering.  Second, I feel like every time I have attempted to get involved in a women's Bible Study day or night it always just doesn't work out.  I was loving attending this Precepts Bible Study and was studying and devouring the word for hours a night and then getting the chance to talk about what I had learned with godly women and sent my precious daughter to the nursery for awhile.  Well, my daughter revolted against that idea in a big, bad, way!  She started hyperventilating and trying to gag herself when the worker would give her a bottle and so I went and got her and now I can't even walk into a nursery room of any kind without her completely melting down and arching her back in fear of me leaving her.  Hmm...that went well.  Then my second night time Bible Study (which seems to be a better idea because there is no nursery involved) just hasn't worked out either.  Something always seems to happen, either Michael is working late, or I was working in Dalhart, or Lily's sick, or something.  Third, some of our closest friends moved away and I have just been lonely without them and their fellowship.  However, all these things have happened perfectly in the Lord's gracious and loving providence.

He has worked all these situations together in His perfect and infinite wisdom in order to make me desperate for more of Him.  He is wanting to create character in me, sanctify me, cleanse me of idols, show me my selfishness, and just make me more dependent upon Him.  Wow, what a loving God.  He is that intimately involved in our lives, Beloved.  He knows what is best at all times and will always work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I need to preach this to myself every day and remind myself of who God is and what He is like through His word.  He knows what we need even if it isn't always what we want.  His goal is not that we are happy in this world but that we are being conformed into the image of His Son for the eternity to come.  And happiness won't even be an issue there, because we will be with our King and Savior forever with no sinful nature holding us back from loving Him and worshiping Him with all of our heart, mind, body, and soul.  Sounds like bliss to me...  "This temporal suffering doesn't compare to the glory to be revealed" (Romans 8:18)

Remember, we need the grace of God actively working in our lives everyday, Beloved.  We cannot and will not be able to survive in this life as a Christian without it.  It is a gift of God that we do not deserve but He freely gives to those who humble themselves and ask for it.  We must admit that we cannot do all that we need to do and live a life that is pleasing to the Lord apart from His grace.  He longs to hear us simply ask for help.  During the day, when your child is crying their eyes out and throwing a tantrum, ask for help.  Or, it was one of those night where you got next to no sleep but just spent the night trying to figure out what was wrong with your baby and wake up feeling less than human, ask for help.  When you are at home and don't think you can pick up one more mess, ask for help.  When you are exhausted at the end of a long day and your husband comes home and needs encouragement, love, affection, and someone to listen to him, ask for help.  When you are so discouraged from praying and praying for someone in your life to come to Christ and see nothing changing, ask for help.  He is always present and ready to answer the cries for help of His children.  He knows we cannot measure up to the standards laid out in scripture apart from His grace actively at work in our lives. We must be continually looking to Mt. Calvary and clinging with all our might to what was purchased for us there on that cross.  God has means that He uses to supply us with grace in our lives.  For example, reading, studying, and memorizing scripture, prayer, and communing with Him throughout the day.  These are just a few means that He uses to supply us with the grace that we need.  I have severely been lacking in these areas lately and my life has reeked havoc because of it.  Its a good thing we serve such a merciful Master.  By grace I have been saved.  I don't think there is any sweeter thought than that.

Much love to you Beloved,

Please know that the Lord loves to hear the sound of His children calling out for help and loves to see a desperate heart longing for more of Him...Seek Him with all your heart and you will find Him, there is no greater joy in this world then to have more of Christ...