Confessions of a New Mother: Part 1

Lily at the beach in the Virgin Islands.

Hello there!

I hope all of your holidays were wonderful and filled with the joy!!!  We are just recouping from the holiday season around the Graham household.  We did A LOT of traveling and are very glad to be home for awhile.  Over the holiday season I've been thinking a lot about my new role as a mother.  There is a pool of emotions stirring around the the mind and heart of a new mother.  First, there's sleep deprivation through the newborn stage, then there's the shock of the newborn that sleeps all the time during the day coming alive stage, then there's the "wow, I think I've got this down," stage (this stage quickly passes,) and all of these stages are wrapped up into one big emotion that leads and drives all of our service to our little ones... 

"I could not possibly love this child anymore than I do that completely depends upon me for everything and looks at me with such dependence and innocence."

However, along the way there is lesson after lesson after lesson that you are learning while taking care of such a gift from God and there's a deepening realization that none of us really know what we are doing and we are all learning along the way.  With that being said, here are a few of 10 of my confessions while in the learning process.

1.  I have often pretended that having a child was a lot easier than it really is.  (The Lord convicted me of this and it was so relieving when I let down the front.)
2.  I don't wash my hair that often.  (I do bathe regularly but washing and drying of the hair has become foreign since becoming a momma.) Therefore, I use dry shampoo.  This stuff is a life saver for new mothers! (I've provided the link just in case you want to give it a shot)
3. I often eat standing up and really fast.  I used to be the slowest eater known to man, now I eat on the run and basically shovel the food into my mouth without tasting it.  
4. I sometimes fall asleep on the couch while Lily is watching Praise Baby and playing with her toys bright and early in the morning.  She is an awesome sleeper but I stay up way too late reading and hanging out with Michael so it leaves me tired in the mornings.  This is not a good habit and I need to start going to bed earlier but it has yet to change.
5. Lily and I are at Walmart and Target WAY too much.  I don't have a lot of ideas of places to go with a 10 month old, therefore, we end up at Walmart or Target.  We hardly ever buy anything but we just browse the isles to have an "outing," for the day.  You know its bad when your baby starts laughing when we start walking into Target and knows that we will make a lap around the dollar section when we enter.  I am currently working on finding more productive outings for Lily and I just in case you are worried.  :) 
6. I miss date nights with my husband.
7. After Lily goes to sleep around 7:30, I go into to check on her at least 5 times to make sure she's warm before going to bed.
8. I try to get the most of my money in a diaper, so sometimes I let it go way too long and we have a major leakage.  After cleaning it up, I realize this money saving idea was a bad idea. 
9. I sometimes get impatient with Lily when she's simply being a baby and fussing.  I feel it rising up in me and sometimes it terrifies me how much I'm not like Christ.  He is never impatient with me and I act as infant towards Him all the time.
10. I am still have so much in me that is selfish. 

Us mothers do so much during a day, we basically are in a daily process of dying to our self for the sake of another or others needs.  We don't get to sit down very often, we are constantly cleaning up after someone, we are always needed, lacking sleep, and sometimes under appreciated.  But the bottom line is, that's what we were designed to do.  If you are the Lord's and you are a mother it is a designated means that the Lord uses to conform you into the image of His Son.  He humbled himself to the place of a servant, even to the point of death.  That's some serious servitude.  

I just named a couple simple confessions and all of them are real and honest.  Some of them are just silly rantings of a new mom but some of them point me to my ever present need for more conformity to Christ.  This may sound harsh, believe me, most days I want to throw a pity party for myself and ignore the truths of Scripture but truth is truth.  And when I throw a pity party for myself no one ever shows up, its just me and my stubborn self.  But, when we surrender to the truth of the Gospel and take hold of the promises and grace that come through Jesus Christ then we have bliss and overwhelming peace.  Parenting doesn't seem so hard when you have God Himself guiding you, helping you, enabling you, and reminding you of His love for you moment by moment.  God laid out a very steep picture of a woman and mother in Scripture in the Proverbs 31 woman.  This woman has always seemed to taunt me with her obedience, serving heart, and discipline, but the reality is I just didn't want to aim that high.  But she was put into Scripture by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit for a divine purpose of ministering to us women the standard God holds out for us to aim for but NOT to go about it alone.

Therefore Beloved, may we look to our Lord Jesus for help, for He is our ever-present Help in time of need and He will never leave us or forsake us.  He is gracious and full of mercy just waiting for us to ask Him for help and depend upon Him for strength.  I pray that I never come across self-righteous or like I know it all.  That is the farthest thing from the truth.  I am just a pilgrim on this short journey and my only hope is Christ, I'm clinging to Him with all that I have because all I have is filthy rags.  "Oh, how He loves us!" "Oh, how He loves us!"

From one mother to another,

Caitlyn Graham